Evening sketch
This may be a bit of a sappy post. I was in the mood for a character sketch today, and thoroughly enjoyed creating this little lady. However, the muscle pains I feel after drawing are such a downer. Sometimes I feel that I wasted ten years of my life, my health, and my energy creating as a service to others, putting my own projects and needs aside, telling myself “I’ll get to it when I’m recharged”, which hasn’t been very fruitful when it came to progress. One day, I decided I was going to keep working, even if I was tired and uninspired, and I started drawing at my desk for hours on-end; doing my job during the day, and switching to my personal work afterwards, until I went to bed, which meant I was drawing at my desk for about 15 hrs on average, everyday. Repeat. Even on the weekends; I gave myself no excuse. I lasted a few days, maybe weeks, before I started feeling a dull strain in my neck and shoulder, but I kept going, and a few days after that, I had problems using my arm; looking over my shoulder; opening bags; driving stick shift; getting my work done; and I had a constant migraine. I thought a break to heal would do the trick, but work doesn’t stop because I need it to, and I kept going, afraid to ask for breaks, afraid I would be replaced, afraid I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills, and afraid my insurance would increase premiums and make me a less desirable hire. The pain never left since. I would go to sleep balling my eyes out, and I eventually asked for time off. I went to physical therapy; I got massages; I got shots; I felt better, then I felt worse again; I was told I had developed anxiety and I was holding myself too tightly. I was working out at the gym every day, and here I am about two years later still trying to find a solution. I don’t draw, my neck hurts; my shoulder hurts, my head hurts, my elbow hurts, my forearm hurts, my wrist hurts, my thumb and index fingers hurt... all the time. I can’t extend my arm fully anymore, I can't open a simple chips packet sometimes. I panic because I worry my mind will weaken and hold me back on improving my skills, but I’m not sure what else to do. Drawing was my best friend, and we can't hang out like we used to. A little depression crept-in with the change and that has been a bit of a struggle; I feel like I lost a purpose in a way, that I took it for granted: if I can’t draw then who am I? If I can’t work towards the goals I set for myself then what path do I follow now? What should my new career goals be? Will I ever see my name in credits? Will I ever be proud of myself for my accomplishments? Have I failed and should just accept defeat? Will I ever get the energy to wash my hair regularly again? Will I want to do anything other than stay home?
The truth is that I don’t know. Having to set aside a huge part of my identity is strange, because the rest of my options were never options to me. Nothing makes me as happy as drawing and no other line of work gets me as excited to pursue it as an artistic career. I guess I’m a work-in-progress right now. I’m trying to rebuild myself; I’m trying to come to terms with what I can’t control at this time. I was going to go back to school, I was going to create a new portfolio, I was going to design animated films, and I was going to paint again on the side.
I hope I will find my "cure" soon so I can get back on track. I always saw this as a bump in the road, but it has overstayed its welcome.
On a better note: how great is this dress? I want it!
:)
